


Kiss Kiss Kill Each Other

by ScarlettWallflower



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Actual Harem Anime Protagonist Lithuania, F/M, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I'm Sorry, Lithuania X The World, M/M, Other, complete and utter crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 23:18:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11300889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarlettWallflower/pseuds/ScarlettWallflower
Summary: Somewhere, in a dark corner of the universe, where everyone is far too aware they're characters in a Harem anime, a group of students plot an unholy goal: to make Lithuania theirs by competing in a series of increasingly ridiculous and life-threatening challenges.





	Kiss Kiss Kill Each Other

**Author's Note:**

> After writing this, the crops died in the field, the cow stopped giving milk, and the other villagers are convinced my family is a coven of witches and are attempting to drive us out of town.
> 
> The following story is not safe for work. It is not safe for home. It is not safe for your sanity. Please approach it with caution.
> 
> There's a ton of characters tagged and not all of them show up in this first chapter. Trust me, when we're through with this, half the entire cast of Hetalia will have made at least a cameo appearance.
> 
> Credit for the AU goes to perlumi delirium of tumblr, I just write the crack

In a dark, cramped janitor’s closet on the third floor of the mysterious and obviously-lacking-in-adult-supervision W Academy, a group of mentally unstable teenagers gather over their mutual obsession with another student.

Sitting on an overturned trash can, a hyperactive boy who strangely did not conform to any established anime stereotypes of boys with glasses, said, “I hereby call this meeting of the Lithuania Fan Club to order!”

“America, sit your ass down! You don’t have the skills to be a leader. From now on, I’ll be taking over this club.” Estonia stood up and tried to angle his glasses so they would catch the light and show everyone what a badass he was. All he managed to accomplish was tripping over a nearby broom and flinging himself face-first into Ukraine’s breasts. She giggled and apparently Estonia spent too long enjoying the glorious view because he suddenly found himself being yanked up and strangled with his own shirt collar by Belarus.

“Gaaacck, Belarus, I can’t breathe!”

“You should’ve thought of that before you decided to molest my sister.” She then began calmly plucking out his eyebrows one at a time. Estonia screamed, the pitch gradually rising as his level of pain increased.

Poland, not bothering to look up from filling his nails, took pity on the sad, sad nerd and said, “Yeah, not to interrupt a murder or anything but like, why are we in this closet? Aren’t these stories usually supposed to happen in an empty classroom after school? I mean, Ouran High School Host Club had that huge abandoned music room in a suspiciously deserted wing of their school.”

America huffed in embarrassment and irritation. “Look, it’s all I could get, okay? There aren’t any abandoned classrooms and the last time I tied up Vice Principal Rome and put him in his supply closet to use his room, Principal Germania said that was “inappropriate” and “a felony.” Apparently thrilled at the chance to be able to use air quotes, he continued to flex his fingers up and down until a large hand came out of the darkness and flicked him upside the head.

Russia smiled pleasantly and folded his hands together. “Hey, let’s all stop fighting and talk about what we’re really here for. Now tell me, when Lithuania and I start dating, what should our song be? I don’t want something very trendy but also not something too old and out of fashion. Does anyone have any ideas?”

Poland scoffed from the other side of the closet and jabbed his nail file in Russia’s general direction. “I have no ideas for you because that will never happen, like ever. Lithuania is not attracted to overweight psychos like yourself. When I start dating Lithuania, our song is going to be something cute like Two Become One by The Spice Girls.”

America laughed nervously, hoping no one would discover his secret love for nineties girl pop groups and quickly changed the subject. “What? Dude, no way! When me and Toris start dating, our song’s gonna be something totally deep and rocking! I’m thinking Don’t Stop Believing.”

“Oh my God, just leave before you infect everyone else with your stupid,” Belarus screeched as she played with Ukraine’s hair and devised ways to continue assaulting Estonia.

Before America could respond, a strange sort of gurgling noise interrupted the fracas. Everyone stopped instantly, afraid to move in the slightest lest they miss the sound.

“Did you guys hear that?” America whispered. Actually, it wasn’t really a whisper so much as a hoarse scream across a distance of fifty miles.

“It sounds like it’s coming from over there,” Estonia pointed a finger at the darker-than-the-rest-of-the-dark-closet- right corner.

“I’m gonna poke it with a stick and see what happens.” Poland reached for the giant wooden stick that had apparently been right behind him the entire time without anyone ever noticing or commenting on it.

Ever so slowly, the end of the stick inched forward into the darkness and finally hit… a cavity of some sort. The loud grunt that followed startled everyone except Belarus who, as we all know, does not experience any emotion other than bloodlust.

Whatever had been hiding in the corner slowly made its way towards the group and revealed itself to be…Greece, trying to remove the point of the stick which had become lodged in his ear canal.

“What the hell are you doing in here, you rat bastard?” Belarus’ shrill voice had now achieved a decibel level that science had heretofore only thought capable of chimpanzees. The chimps in the local zoo heard the call and filled their hands with their own feces, ready to enact their plans to escape and reunite with their sister.

While still trying to jimmy the stick from his brain, Greece said, “Well, this is where I usually take my pre-class nap. But I couldn’t help overhearing you all having a fight. It’s over that guy Lithuania, isn’t it? The one that always has to run uphill both ways even when the ground is completely flat and is constantly beleaguered by the stress of having a bizarre bunch of misfits following him around as he tries to get an education?”

“Uh, yeah, that’s him,” Poland said slowly, exchanging a look with America that conveyed their confusion because in these types of stories, the background characters usually aren’t aware of the ridiculous conventions of the Harem Anime genre.

“Well, because I’m older than all of you and because I smoke a metric shit-ton of weed, I am going to share with you some insight. Why don’t you let Lithuania decide who he’d like to be with?”

Estonia scoffed loudly at the idea. “Are you crazy? That would take pages and pages of character development and tender, heartfelt moments that the author of this story has neither the skill nor patience to portray! And besides that, the protagonists in the harem genre usually have all the personality and romantic sensibility of a plate of mashed potatoes. There’s no way we could count on Lithuania to make an interesting decision. We need a solution that’s faster and leads to wacky, comedic hijinks.”

Greece considered this for a moment, using the now-freed stick as a back-scratcher. “Well, then I suppose you could have a competition.”

“A competition?” asked Russia, who was always searching for more socially-acceptable ways to release years of pent-up psychological trauma and aggression.

“Yeah, like a fair fight between all of you. You could have different types of games and each week, someone gets voted off. The last person standing is the one who gets to go out with Lithuania.”

The response was a collective “Eh, what the hell?” For a few seconds everything was completely still and quiet.

“Why did everything stop all of a sudden?” Greece asked.

“We’re waiting for the next plot point to come along,” Russia answered brightly. “If we sit patiently, it usually shows up within a couple of minutes. We like to pass the time by asking each other wildly invasive questions. So, America, have you masturbated into any pies lately?”

America rolled his eyes. “Jeez Louise, you stick it into a warm blueberry pie one time and you never live it down!”

As if acting to hastily put a stop to anymore disgusting confessions, the closet door flung open to reveal a dark figure with absurdly sharp canine teeth that actually cast their own shadow.

“Oh thank God, a nice dark place,” said the stranger, who proceeded to fling himself into the huddled mass of high school students.

“Who are you?” demanded America.

“How did you find out about us?” asked Russia.

“I think you ruptured my spleen,” wheezed Estonia.

“I’m Romania,” the newcomer said cheerfully. “I’ve only been in couple of Hetalia strips but I’m already really popular among the fans despite not having very much character development. I’ve been creeping around the school trying to find a place where I’m shielded from the harsh sunlight. Unfortunately, the lockers aren’t big enough for me to hang from like a sleeping bat so I decided the next best thing was this janitor’s closet with a conspicuous sign written in red crayon saying, “There are absolutely no Lithuania-obsessed teenagers in here.”

“So, you want to join our survival-gameshow Battle Royale- no-holds-barred-fight-to-the-death-over-Lithuania group?” America grinned and blinked expectantly. The rest of the group, with no awareness of their own strange quirks, briefly considered that they were in the presence of a crazy person. They then shrugged it off because it is a well-known fact that anime characters never meet horrifically violent, bloody ends.

“Sure! I have no idea who this Lithuania person is or what we’re doing, but if there’s one thing I enjoy, it’s randomly inserting myself into other people’s affairs which have nothing to do with me and having odd and socially-inappropriate interactions with strangers.”

Again, the closet door was yanked open and Romania, who was sitting against it, fell backwards onto the tile floor of the hallway. Getting to his feet with freakish speed, he hissed and began speaking in a mixture of English and tongues. Growling something about the “accursed light” and how he was a “creature of the darkest black of hopeless despair,” he grabbed the side of his sweatshirt like a cape and ran away, occasionally bumping into a wall or open door as he went.

The janitor, a crusty old man with a look that could best be described as a cross between murderous intent and utter exasperation, yanked America and Russia out by the ear.

“How many times do I have to tell you rotten kids to stay outta here?! Don’t you have classes to be at? Why is it that none of the kids from these Japanese cartoons ever go to class? I’ll report you to Vice Principal Rome!”

“Haha, shows what you know,” Poland called from his place in the closet. “He’s the wacky school administrator that gets into his own shenanigans and never does any actual work either!”

The scowl on the janitor’s wrinkled face grew even deeper. “They don’t pay me enough to do this job,” he muttered dragging his hand down his cheeks. “I ain’t no psychologist. I’m supposed to wax the floors, not deal with these delusional hooligans.”

He ordered them all out into the hallway and slammed and locked the door to the closet. America looked on in disappointment as his lovely crayon masterpiece which he had spent several hours adding aesthetically-pleasing drawings of fighter jets and dinosaurs to, was confiscated.

“Well, I guess we actually have to go learn something,” said Estonia in a soft, forlorn voice.

“Aren’t we all, by an extremely unlikely coincidence, in the same first period class? I honestly can’t remember.”

“Yeah, I think so! And hey, Lithuania is in there too, right?”

“Our harassment of our fellow student can begin early today!”

With renewed optimism, the motley crew went barreling down the corridor to their classroom. And when they arrived, they were all given a stern lecture for being so late to class because as we, brave consumers of Japanese media that we are, know, adults are buttheads who refuse to comply with the demands of silly, contrived anime plots in an effort to kill our collective buzz.


End file.
